dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
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Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
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I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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