i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize