i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
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the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
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i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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