my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
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THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
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All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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