oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
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he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
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Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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