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I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Be still, my beating vagina.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Randomize
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