My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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