A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
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Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
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I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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