a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my being single is dangerous.
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I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
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I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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