do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
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im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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