There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize