So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize