I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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