You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
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You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
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My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
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