Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
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Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
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BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize