I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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