Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
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Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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