It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
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You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
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He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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