Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
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she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
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So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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