smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
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I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
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Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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