I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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