I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize