Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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