I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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