Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
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Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
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I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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