Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
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I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
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Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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