Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(314): View more from Missouri

So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.

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(314): So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes. http://tfl.nu/wpyi

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(310): View more from California

my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.

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(310): my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet. http://tfl.nu/p26k

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's a girl!!

(614): View more from Ohio

That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years

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(412): it's a girl!! (614): That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years http://tfl.nu/ln73

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(301): View more from Maryland

He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"

(1-301): View more from Maryland

Soulmates.

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(301): He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?" (1-301): Soulmates. http://tfl.nu/8tiz

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.

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(601): I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished. http://tfl.nu/ezge

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(703): View more from Virginia

You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.

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(703): You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason. http://tfl.nu/7b14

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

she just took adderol and chased it w dog water

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(781): she just took adderol and chased it w dog water http://tfl.nu/pwol

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(954): View more from Florida

Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?

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(954): Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart? http://tfl.nu/oywi

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.

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(250): Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment. http://tfl.nu/7c81

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(760): View more from California

if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel

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(760): if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel http://tfl.nu/4p3k

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.

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(615): Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often. http://tfl.nu/4yb3

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."

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(606): I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening." http://tfl.nu/f5c0

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(406): View more from Montana

I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock

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(406): I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock http://tfl.nu/wbdd

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(416): View more from Toronto

Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?

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(416): Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground? http://tfl.nu/za9i

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(772): View more from Florida

Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.

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(772): Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with. http://tfl.nu/bsvi

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