Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
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I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
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By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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