I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
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It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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