I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
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I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
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I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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