I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
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Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
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I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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