Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
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Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
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You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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