dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
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I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
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I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
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