I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
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I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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