Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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