Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
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you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
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I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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