seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize