I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jger and an empty bed here Friday.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize