The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
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She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
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She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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