I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
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What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
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I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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