no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
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He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
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There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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