Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
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If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
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Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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