this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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