There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
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If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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