I skipped work to stalk him.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
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You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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