I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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