and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
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It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
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Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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