If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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