I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
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I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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