If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
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She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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